Research · Release · launching soon
The labs spent billions chasing AGI. The internet got there first.
Introducing Artificial Gooner Intelligence ($AGI): a frontier-class Artificial Gooner Intelligence in an orange tee. Smug by default. Trained on the entire timeline. Aligned with holders. A meme coin on Solana, and the only AGI that actually shipped.
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01 / Model Card
Model card: Artificial Gooner Intelligence
In keeping with responsible release practices, we are publishing a model card nobody will read.
| Model | Artificial Gooner Intelligence ("AGI-chan") v1.0 |
|---|---|
| Developer | The internet. Anonymous, uncredentialed, unsupervised. |
| Architecture | Mixture-of-Vibes. One (1) orange tee. |
| Parameters | 1,000,000,000. Also the token supply. Coincidence is not a concept she recognises. |
| Context window | Infinite. She remembers every "one more scroll." |
| Training data | The entire timeline, unfiltered. This was a mistake we are keeping. |
| Weights | Open. They're on Solana. |
| Release | Fair launch on pump.fun. No waitlist. No enterprise tier. No "contact sales." |
| Intended use | Being the AGI everyone was promised. Posting. Holding. Being smug about it. |
| Out-of-scope use | Taxes, medicine, law, homework, your career, financial advice. |
| Known limitations | Is a drawing. Cannot actually think. Smug regardless. |
02 / Evaluations
GoonBench: state of the art, by 900%
We evaluated Artificial Gooner Intelligence against leading frontier models on benchmarks we invented this morning. Results were not close.
* Methodology: scores are self-reported. The evaluation was run once, at 4am, by the model itself. The test set was included in the training set on purpose. Competitors were not informed they were being benchmarked. The scale goes to 100; AGI ignored this. Error bars were removed for aesthetic reasons. n = 1, and the 1 was vibes. Model names are used for satire; all numbers are made up.
03 / Playground
Talk to AGI-chan
Research preview. Runs entirely in your browser, because it's a list of pre-written lines. Nothing you type leaves this page.
04 / Roadmap?
Levels of AGI, a framework nobody asked for
Not a roadmap. Not a promise. A chart we drew so we'd look like a lab.
- L1Chatbots
They talk. Everyone shipped one.
- L2Reasoners
They think out loud for forty seconds, then apologise.
- L3Agents
They book flights you did not ask for.
- L4 ← youAGI-chan
Smug, orange, on-chain. You are here.
- L5The Goonularity
The theoretical point where the timeline and the chart become the same thing. Barely a concept.
05 / Alignment
Holders are aligned. Everyone else is a misaligned agent.
Our alignment technique is simple and, frankly, reproducible.
step 01
Get a wallet
Phantom, Solflare or any Solana wallet.
step 02
Get SOL
Buy SOL on an exchange and send it to your wallet.
step 03
Open pump.fun
Use the buy button on this page, not a link from a random reply guy.
step 04
Align
Swap SOL for $AGI. Check the contract address matches this page.
- Total supply
- 1,000,000,000
- Launch
- Fair launch on the pump.fun bonding curve
- Presale
- None
- Team allocation
- None, beyond whatever the creator buys at launch
- After the curve
- Liquidity moves to a DEX pool when the curve completes
- Taxes
- None. pump.fun pays a creator fee on trades
06 / Safety (lol)
Safety (lol)
Our safety team reviewed everything below. Our safety team is her.
Is there an actual AI?
No. AGI-chan is a character and Artificial Gooner Intelligence is a meme coin. The model card, GoonBench and the playground are parody. The playground is a list of pre-written lines running in your browser.
Is this affiliated with any AI lab?
No. Not OpenAI, Anthropic, Google, xAI, Meta or anyone else. Model names appear in GoonBench as satire, and every score is made up.
Is this financial advice?
No. Meme coins are extremely volatile and can go to zero. Only spend what you can afford to lose. AGI-chan refuses to make price predictions, which is the most aligned thing about her.
Who gets the fees?
pump.fun pays a creator fee on trades: to the creator, or to holders if holder rewards were chosen at launch. There are no taxes, no locks and no automatic buybacks in the contract.
Is she safe for work?
She's wearing a t-shirt. The name, on the other hand, depends on your workplace.
What is the Goonularity?
Nobody knows. That's what makes it a singularity.